


Keep Fighting.

by angelofthenightposts



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steve Rogers - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 23:14:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17109974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthenightposts/pseuds/angelofthenightposts
Summary: Giving the consolation you need after a badly finished mission isn’t the responsibility of anyone other than Steve Rogers.





	Keep Fighting.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr, @angelofthenightposts. Thank you for reading! xx

You ruined everything; it was all your fault. Maybe that was why you straight to your room as soon as the jet landed; not wanted to look on anyone’s face. You didn’t think any of them would blame you or call to account for what happened on there, but you had no intention of seeing the glances that pitied you. You didn’t want anybody to comfort you, to try to cheer you up, so that was why you sat quietly in the furthest corner on the way home back. You still couldn’t figure out what happened to you during the mission. As if you weren’t the one who devoted her years to this job, you made the biggest mistakes of your life like an inexperienced soldier, and the remorse was a heavy burden on your back.

Trying not to come to the eye with people in the hallway, you stepped out of the stairs leading to your room. You spent the last five hours holding yourself, and you could feel there was no more power to keep the tears. When you walked into your room you couldn’t be in for a week, your gaze first walked around, making sure no one was here when you were away. You saw that the clothes were in the corner folded and fresh, and the familiar smell of lavender filled your nostrils. When you realized there was no one other than you in the room, you gave a shaky breath and gently closed the door. Since you didn’t even have the opportunity to hand over your weapons, you first took off the gun on your waist and the knives you put in certain parts of the uniform. Then you let your hair falling on your shoulders, the tight ponytail was giving you a headache. Your lips were tightly shut while your fingers were working on the uniform; Tony designed for you, slowly and almost robotically. When you took your boots off, you walked to the other door in your room and turned on the switch of the bathroom. When the bright white light was reflected through the clean tiles and reached your eyes, you narrowed them and went closer to the mirror.

You slowly stared at the body in the mirror, your fingers wandered over the bruise on your collarbone, dried blood stain on your wrist; you wrinkled your forehead in disgust. When the pain on the right side of your waist became unbearable, your gaze moved down and you wanted to check how bad it was. The blood was still leaking from the thin incision, creating a dark red path and coming down on your legs. First, you wanted to clean it with one of the clean towels in the drawer but then you’d have a shower anyway. Your gaze finally focused on your face. The blood on your lower lip dried and the dark black stain on your cheekbone added warrior style to you. You ignored the pain and looked yourself in the mirror. Pessimism and guilt were all you could see, there was nothing to give you hope in your eyes. You clenched your teeth, being ashamed of who you were today. As you fisted your hands against the counter, you turned around and hoped that the hot water could comfort you.

Suicide bombs and hostages were more of a job of the polices but when Tony walked in the living room with his face faintly concerned, you started to suit up without thinking. During the road, you had ideas about how to destroy the bomb, who would take the children out of the building? Who would make the area safe? They all became clear with Sam’s being a team leader; it was a simple mission, there wouldn’t be a problem, or at least you thought so.

When hot water first contacted your body, you stepped back in the shower and set the water to a warmer level. When you went under the spray again, you shut your eyes and waited for your body to get wet. Before the dirt and blood disappeared from the drain, it took a light pink under your feet. The wound continued to bleed more with the running water, you didn’t realize it, and instead, you reached for the shampoo bottle on the shelf.

When worried parents and curious journalists were carried away from the building by the policemen, you started to work without wasting time. You started out with Natasha, bringing out the children and teachers who were stuck in classrooms. Trying to understand how a sick person wants to bomb a school, you checked the first floor. When you were trying to make sense of why they chose the school when there were so many places, you remembered the little kids who were looking at you in fear. To create such fear and reaction in a school in the heart of the city was what they wanted. Sam said he found the bomb as you came into the meeting room and wanted to make sure there wasn’t anyone around here who needed help. You looked at the chairs around the brown table, abandoned items and TV still on.

When you reached the mic to inform Natasha that the west side of the building was clean, you stood still with a sound from the closet next to the window. With years of practice, your hand went quickly to your gun as you waited to hear the sound again. When you heard the same thing again, you approached the closet as quietly as a hunter and opened the lid, the gun in your right hand. The little girl who pulled her knees to her chest, her arms wrapped around her body, raised her head in fear and screamed a little when she saw you. When you saw her staring at the gun in fear, you lowered it.

“Don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you.”

You didn’t stop massaging your skull when you noticed that all of your muscles and nerves were loosened by the coconut scent. You pulled a little bit of your hair while making sure that your fingers reached and cleaned each root of your hair. Self-harm was never what you wanted, but it worked. It helped relieve the weight you couldn’t get from your chest. When the foamy water coming down from your body met the wound, you winced because of the pain.

“If you’re still inside the building, you have to get out, I don’t know how I can destroy the bomb.” Sam’s voice echoed in your ear.

“Hello, I don’t know your name, but we have to get out of here.” When the little girl shook her head, you knitted eyebrows. “I know you’re scared, but I’m here, I’m not going to let you get hurt.“

“I can’t go, the bad guy is looking for me.“ When she finally spoke, she looked into your eyes to warn you about the dangers of the situation, and she lowered her gaze back down to her pink shoes. “I can’t get out of here.“

"The bad guy?” You couldn’t remember seeing a man anywhere in the building, no one other than the teachers and the kids and a few parents was in there when you first entered. When you took action to warn your friends about the danger that was with you, you realized that Natasha wasn’t responding. A few more times, you shouted her name, feeling the worry. You should have taken the girl out soon and checked if your friend was safe.

She didn’t stay still when you moved to hold the girl, she tried to get rid of you, pulled your hair, hit you with her little fists. When you grabbed the doorknob, you held your breath with the shade passing through the small window on the door and you closed girl’s mouth without thinking. When the girl heard the footsteps, she looked at you with her big eyes, she was scared.

You looked around in the room to figure out what you could do after hearing the gunshots outside. You knew the time running against you while you took the girl back to the closet. The girl who just wanted to run away from you, was now afraid you were gonna drop her, hugged you more tightly and put her hands around your neck. “You need to hide here, don’t make a sound and wait for me here until you hear my voice.” 

When the arms on your neck loosened, you pushed her back into the closet and you heard the footsteps coming from the moment you were going to stand up. You had two choices; you could either hide with her in there and wait for a more appropriate moment to attack, or face the man who would enter the room in any moment. When you considered the advanced weapon he had in hand, he would show his art in your body with the bullets as soon as he saw you. You fit your body next to the small girl and closed it.

When you turned off the water and reached your bathrobe, you took extra care not to slip, walking back to the mirror to dry your hair with a small towel. You reached into the hair dryer in the second drawer and grabbed the comb in front of the mirror. After wearing your underwear, you tried to remember where you left your first-aid kit in your room. The bleeding had already stopped; the only thing left was cleaning it, and wrapping to prevent infection. When you tried to clean the wound, the door was knocked, and before you called in, you took the tee on the bed. Steve looked at you before walking in. You averted your eyes from him, wanted to make clear that you didn’t want to talk.

“Natasha said you are injured, do you need to call the doctor?” Steve leaned against the wall and folded his arms and watched you bandaging the wound. You’d be the first to do first aid when someone was injured, but now he knew exactly what the reason you couldn’t open the package yet was. He couldn’t stand more your shaky hands and pulled the chair just around the corner to the end of the bed. When he held your hands, you held your breath,“ Let me. ”

When you let him do it without objection, Steve had a look at the wound, it was a small cut, but still, it couldn’t stop him from worrying about you. The smell of coconut from you numbed his brain, and the intimacy had something to do with it. He cleared his throat, trying to give full attention to the wound in front of him. “I’ve heard about what happened today, you stopped what could have done without many casualties. “

“Many casualties?” Your gaze focused on the chest of the man in front of you, wrinkling your nose as if the word left a bad taste in your mouth. When you realized that he was talking like Tony, you wondered where Steve you cared and knew, went.“ numbers are the only thing important, aren’t they? How many people we saved and how many people we could not. Two janitors are seriously injured. And-”

It’s never been so hard to keep the sentence going; you knew Steve already knew what you were going to say when you chose to remain silent. After making sure the gauze completely covered the wound, Steve dropped his hands to his lap but did not retract. “I know you’re feeling guilty for what happened today. “

“Steve, I really don’t need you to tell me that I’m not guilty, nothing you say will change my mind.“ You stood up to pick up your dirty towel, but the real reason was you wanted to stay away from him. You thought you’d need a couple of painkillers when you realized the wound was aching every time you bent. Steve folded his arms and frowned, watching you move inside the room.

"Good, because I was going to tell you that you should feel guilty.” You froze up in position as your back facing him. The harsh expression in Steve’s voice made you feel worse as if it were possible. When you turned to him with shock on your face, you wanted to see if he really thought that. Steve shifted his head when your E/C met his.”But this does not mean that you have to suffer forever. “

“A girl died today because of me.” you had thought you would relax more when you vocalized the truth. But when your sentence hanged in the room, they brought tears. You dropped your shoulders when you felt as if your all strength had been taken away and left your body to your bed. “I could have saved her; I could grab her and take her out. But I wanted her to trust me, believe me instead of forcing. If, if I had a little more time,“

“This job,” Steve took a deep breath before he talked again, wanting you to understand who you really were rather than consoling you. “We try to save as many people as we can, but sometimes it doesn’t mean everyone. Sometimes we forget we’re human beings, Y/N. We can’t process like a machine; we need feelings, love, and pain. Sometimes we lose our best friends, make difficult decisions, give sacrifices, and become sacrifices. But we need to continue to live at the end of the day. ”

You had the opportunity to chat with Steve many times, he was your friend, maybe you wanted more, but he was family. No conversation had been so deep and personal than this one, “I don’t know if I’m worth it, Steve. It’s no problem for me to spend my entire life fighting for others, but being responsible for others lives…Maybe I’m not as good as I thought.“

“Y/N,” Steve shook his head, stood up and walked to you, “You’re saying this now that you’re upset, we both know that’s not true. I know you want to be a good soldier, a mighty warrior, but you can’t give up yourself for a job.”

Steve cupped your face and looked at every detail of your face before saying anything. Finally, when he licked his lips and looked into your eyes, your body filled with confidence and support as if all bad things left behind. It’s been a long time since someone made you feel so good. “You can’t stop fighting; you can’t try to forget who you are or to change yourself. If you do that, you will destroy the woman I love.”

“What,” You knew he’d try to make you feel better, but if this was how he was going to do so, you’d have to stop him. ”You don’t know what you’re saying, Steve. “

It was impossible for someone to fall in love with you. What Steve felt wasn’t real, he was just confused about how he felt after the time you had spent together. He shook his head as if you said the most ridiculous thing in the world and made your eyes focus on him again, “I know very well what I mean. I’m in love with the most powerful, loyal, dearest woman in the world, but I don’t know what to do to prove it. I don’t know how to show that I don’t want to leave her alone, that I trust her to the end, and how I’m always going to be her. “

” You’re not kidding, “ When you saw the seriousness of his gaze, you dropped your jaw, needing time to grasp what you heard because your brain was working slower than usual. Steve pressed his lips together to avoid laughing at the expression on your face, but the right part of his lips twisted to a smirk. ”I also thought you are very smart, but I think I have to give you some more time to understand that I’m waiting for you to kiss me.“


End file.
